they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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