Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
