We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
