Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
