dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
