Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
