does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
