yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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