remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
