I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
