when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Houston, we have a squirter
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
third nipple confirmed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
