And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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