I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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