dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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