true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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