Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
