So drunk its hurt
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
