Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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