my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
