I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
