Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
