pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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