I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
