I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
