Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
