I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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