I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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