My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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