The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
