Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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