he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
