Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
