she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
