Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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