Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
