i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm at about main and main street
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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