I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
