Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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