i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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