nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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