i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
