Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
this is an emotional support booty call
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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