I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
