um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
