I faked an abortion last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
