i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
