So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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