If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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