Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
