How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
