I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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